JOKES

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What do you call a drummer without a Girlfriend? answer: Homeless!

If Computers are supposed to solve problems how come half the time they are the problem?

How many lead singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? answer: Just one they hold it up in the socket and and the whole world revolves around them!

What kind of Car does Luke Skywaker drive? answer: a Toy-yoda

What's the difference between a lead guitar player and a large pizza? answer: A large pizza can feed a family of four

Dating Expense

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents’ home.

I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Champagne.

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I said "Enjoy...."

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

An anthropologist travels to a tropical island to study its natives. He hires a guide to take him into the jungle to a remote site where the natives live. On the second day of the trip, they begin to hear drums. The anthropologist asks the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turns to him and says ominously, "Drums okay, but very bad when they stop." The drums go on for a few hours. Then they suddenly stop. The anthropologist grabs the guide and yells, "The drums have stopped! What does it mean?!" The guide shakes his head and says, "Bass solo next."

Little Melissa comes from Chance Cove Newfoundland and attends third grade. After school she tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, I was wondering if I gave a Valentine to someone who was not, will God get mad at me for giving them a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little Newfoundland Christian Girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. "And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, our Canadian Soldiers can shoot the fucker."

Every week A women received her clothes back from the laundry and her underwear were never cleaned white, so she sent a note to the laundry "use more Soap" The Chinese owner of the Laundry sent her back a note "use more Toilet Paper"

What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take? Answer: Coffin medicine

Every day a man would come into a Drugstore buy condoms then leave the Drugstore laughing. The Pharmacist asked his assistant "Why does that guy come in the place buy condoms and leave everyday laughing? follow him and find out where he's going" so the next day the pharmacist asks his assistant "Well did you follow him and find out where he's going?" the assistant answers "Yes Sir I followed him, and he's going to your House!"

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They got along so well that they decided to go to the girl's place. After a few drinks the guy took off his shirt, and then washed his hands, then he took off his trousers and washed his hands again. The girl had been watching him and said "You must be a dentist?" The guy surprised said "Yes, how did you figure that out?" "Easy" she replied. "you keep washing your hands" One thing led to another and they made love. After they are done, the girl said "You must be a very good dentist" The guy , now with a boosted ego said "Sure I am a good dentist, How did you figure that out?" The girl replied "I didn't feel a thing!"

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty goood about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32.' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra, Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weigh each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I? He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says 'Madam you are 50' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't she says.' 'I was behind you at McDonalds.'


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